I’m the other white meat known as ‘Kid Funky Fried’

This country has had better weeks.  And few worse.

Oh how we cling to our  guns because they are going to protect us.  No one would be able to hurt us if we all had our assault rifles.  No one would be able to place a bomb at a public event and murder three people and maim hundreds more.  And if they did the gun owners could just mow them down with their awesome firepower.

Yeah.  Didn’t happen.

Well, if those same two shit stains got into a gun fight we could defend ourselves and shoot back and…didn’t happen.

Your “Red Dawn” fantasy is laughable.

~Steve Marmel

Why is no one asking where these shit stains got their weapons?  Eh?  Anyone?  Beuller?

One guy wasn’t a citizen at all and had been checked on by the FBI at the bequest of another nation.  The other held a green card and was 19 years old.  Neither would have passed a background check.  But if you ask the family of Officer Sean Collier or Officer Richard H. Donohue Jr., keeping a gun out of the hands of those two shit stains would have been a good thing.  Wayne LaPierre, once again you have blood on your hands.  Two cops, 20 children, six teachers, 12 movie goers and all the injured.  58 in Aurora alone.  The list goes on and on.

The gun control issue has reached a fevered pitch.  King Obama is going to come and take all of your guns doncha know.  Even though he has done less to restrict our freedoms than he predecessor did.  Habeas corpus was suspended for certain persons under Bush.  Where was the outrage?  The hubbub over the Miranda warning goes back over 40 years.  Not Obama.  Call it the Patriot Act and take a big chunk of our freedoms.  Bush.  Not Obama.  Quite honestly the word “patriot” has been so abused that I look at it the same way I look at “gourmet” and “luxury”.  Hijacked by unscrupulous charlatans and snake oil salesmen for their own diabolical reasons.

All they were trying to pass was a law that required background checks and even that was watered down.  How many more have to die before we figure it out?  Or are we just going to go backwards, eschew civility and revert to the Wild Wild West?   But goddammit we’re free!  Or are we?

We have our guns.  It’s a victory for America.  We won last week when an entire community came under martial law and fought back…oh wait, no they didn’t.  They all went home and stayed there like the police asked them too.   We are free from a paramilitary police force…oh wait, that’s who roamed the streets of Boston, Cambridge and Watertown while the residents stayed inside.


photo via abcnews.com

I really don’t understand why we’re ok with these heavily armed police departments with tanks and everything but goddammit we can’t let the government take our guns.  Here’s an idea.  You think you’re going to pick a fight with the government and live through it because you have an cache of assault weapons?  Your argument is invalid.  They found these little shit stains in four days and took them completely down in a little more than 24 hours, most of which was spent looking for them, while martial law was in effect in an entire community.  You will be toast the minute you think you’re going to raise a weapon to these guys.  They will burn that mutha down.


Speaking of fire…holy crap what the hell happened in Texas last week?

Rick Perry went to Illinois with the Texas is Wide Open for Business campaign.

When you have the kind of tax and regulatory policies in place (that Illinois does) . . . you are enticing businesses to fail.”

~Rick Perry

How’s that working for you Rick?

The last time this plant was checked was in 1985.  Almost 40 years ago.  Amazingly in the last 40 years they apparently stowed a little more ammonium nitrate than they should have.  And then destroyed an entire town.  Don’t have a heart attack in West, Texas.  Most of the firefighters and EMT’s are now dead.  But Texas is Open for business with none of those nasty liberal regulations to hinder the capitalism.  Well played.  That’s why Rick Perry can never advance to the national theater.  Ever.

That’s the best you can do

The War on Drugs.  Why?

It’s been going on for 40 years now.  It was Nixon that declared a war on drugs.  Interestingly, Jimmy Carter campaigned on decriminalizing marijuana.  See, he wasn’t as bad as the Right made him out to be.  Because since it’s inception the War on Drugs has cost the American people financially, over a trillion dollars.  We’re moving at a clip of about $1716 per second right now.  In the time it will take you to read PBE we will have spent about a million dollars on the War on Drugs.  What did our money get us?

Well, at a rate of $35 billion per year we get about 9100 stoners arrested.  Someone is arrested every 19 seconds on a drug related offense.  That’s about 1.4 million people per year.  725,000 of them for pot.  And 9143 incarcerated last year.  That’s a rate of an incarceration for every $3,828,065 spent.  Maybe we are doing it wrong.

You don’t do any drugs, do you?  So this shouldn’t affect you in any way.  Unless the Police and the DEA do a wrong door raid on your home, shoot your dog, force your kids to lie next to your dead pets corpse while they rifle through your shit.  That wouldn’t happen in America…would it?  Actually it happens at an alarming rate right here in America.  One of my neighbors grows medical marijuana with a card and everything.  I pray that if they come they get the right door.  The way the DEA and Police work right now, they would shoot all five of my dogs.

But that’s not all.  They have put a gun to the head of an 11 year old girl, left diabetic kids on the floor in an extremely stressful situation with no medication, and killed 47 innocents.  All so they can put a lousy 9143 so called criminals in jail.  What are we doing?

In 1996 the DEA got approval to do paramilitary raids, also referred to as “No knock” raids on homes in America.  There is the unnecessary raids on Doctors or people who are sick with legitimate marijuana medical cards.  Because they are such a threat to society.

Why are these drugs illegal anyway?  Alcohol causes 2.5 million deaths every year.  Approximately 25,000 annually are from drunk drivers.  That rate is 71 per day.  Illegal drugs?  Not so much.  Stoners are classically non-violent.  Imagine if we taxed the 21 million plants that are grown in California annually?  The production is $13 billion.  At a tax rate similar to sales tax that’s over $1.37 billion dollars in REVENUE vs the expense of chasing around a bunch of stoners.

Oh we can’t legalize drugs we’ll have a bunch of addicts.  Hello!  Prescription drug addiction just surpassed illicit drug addiction this year.  It doesn’t matter, that ship has sailed.

Interesting factoid, the number one cash crop in America?  Marijuana.  But the government doesn’t get a penny from its production.  It’s spends $35 billion trying to stop it.  Number 2 cash crop? Corn.  Number 3? Soybeans.  Number 4?  Hay.  All of those are taxed.  What are we doing?

Who really opposes legalizing drugs?

  1. Police Unions
  2. Private Prison Corporations
  3. Alcohol and Beer Companies
  4. Pharmaceutical Corporations
  5. Prison Guard Unions.

What are we doing?

Oh if drugs are legalized everyone will be doing coke and meth and smoking pot and running amok.  Right.  Because we all do everything we can whether it’s legal or not.  Here’s the deal.  I could have a bottle of gin in my cupboard for 10 years and not touch it.  Why?  Because I don’t like gin.  So why would currently illicit drugs be any different?  If I were predisposed to go through a kilo of pot, coke or meth, I would.  If not, I wouldn’t.  If I were predisposed to drink a gallon of gin, I would.  I’m not so I wouldn’t.  It’s a stupid argument.

Let’s stop wasting time, money and resources chasing around a bunch of drug dealers, legalize it, bring it out into the open and be done with it.  It’s about personal responsibility.  Do it, it’s your problem.  Not ours.


Foreman says these jobs are going boys and they ain’t coming back to your hometown

OK, maybe the Presidential debate drinking game wasn’t such a great idea.  Or maybe drinking whenever someone said “middle class” was a bad idea.

Not to worry, this morning we have a whole new kettle of fish to shoot in a barrel.  Or rather, binders of women.  What does that mean?

Maybe not that.

Not like that Bubba.  Jeez.  Now Hillary is going to want to…


This morning’s stop over at Politifact.com, they rated most of the debate was at least half or mostly true which is a big improvement.  Romney should not have gone after the Libya thing so hard, he was wrong.  The thing is, to any thinking person, the President can’t come roaring out and rattling swords and be wrong.  They called it terrorism right away but didn’t point to exactly where it came from.  Then Hillary took responsibility for the lapse, whatever that really was, I don’t think there was one.  I think shit happens in hostile environments.  Those guys were stationed in the belly of the beast.  Shit happened and one of our Ambassadors and some of his staff were killed.  It’s an international incident for sure but what would Mittens really do that would be any different?  It’s not like he didn’t piss off England and France in one innocent little trip.  Just think the wonders he could work with Libya with that sort of negotiating skill.  And they got the transcript.  And Obama called it an act of terror the next morning.  Do you think he’s not doing something right now about this?  Ask Osama bin Laden.  Oh, never mind, he sleeps with the fish.

And Hillary.  I don’t think she needed to step up to the plate on that one, but she did.  Was she the sacrificial lamb for the Administration?  Doubtful, she’s too smart for that.  It was probably a miss.  But she stepped right up to the plate just like Condi did after 9/11.  Oh wait a minute!  OK, Obama took responsibility because they all work for him just like Bush did after 9/11.  Oh wait a minute!  To this day neither Bush nor Rice have taken responsibility for their lapses.  Obama’s team didn’t beef up security.  Bush’s team ignored a report that said “OBL determined to attack America”.  Yeah, STFU Mittens.

The only “pants on fire” was the apology tour comment.  Sorry, I think apologizing for this country being a bunch of barbarians is wise.  We have bullied our way through this world for over a hundred years.  We should apologize.  I’m sure the Teabilly Republic doesn’t get that, but if we were better world citizens they wouldn’t be burning effigies of our Presidents, like that have for years.  I can remember that back to Johnson.  Maybe there’s a reason?  Ya think?  Mending fences is not a bad idea Mittens.  Of course he’s a guy who just has his butler call a landscaper to fix his fence… if they didn’t self deport.

Obama’s only outright falsehood was when he said that Romney called the Arizona immigration law a “model for the nation”.  It was out of context.  The Romney quote was “You know, I think you see a model here in Arizona. They passed a law here that says that people who come here and try and find work, that the employer is required to look them up on E-Verify. This E-Verify system allows employers in Arizona to know who’s here legally and who’s not here legally. And as a result of E-Verify being put in place, the number of people in Arizona that are here illegally has dropped by some 14 percent, where the national average has only gone down 7 percent.”  Obama’s factcheckers took the day off after the first sentence.  Fail.

Romney’s thinking is why my old job is being done by some guy named Singh in Bangalore.  I’m sure they are now paying him more than $16 a day.  I know when Fidelity went in there and started stealing First India’s employees the labor rates went up, and it’s been a few years so even Singh probably got a raise.  He’s why we now have QC checking the prelims when they arrive back here.  Even if he wasn’t an erratic self absorbed out of touch lying douchebag, I could never support him.


Y’all remember to wipe your feet

Let’s see, where to start?

Back to the Mormon agenda for a minute.  When was the last time a faggot knocked on your door and tried to recruit you?  Yeah, never.

Hypocrites unite.  Maryland delegate Donald H. Dwyer, Jr. the guy who thinks gays are a threat to children crashes his boat into…yep a boatload of children.  Injuring 4.  Blood alcohol level?  .20.  Legally drunk at .08.  Let’s do the math.  .20 divided by .08, 2, carry the 4, 2.5 times the legal limit.  Well played asshat.

The 47%.  For once, Mittens is right.   47% of this country don’t pay taxes.  That is because they are under the poverty line, dipshit. Lessee.  Do I know anyone who doesn’t pay taxes?  Oh yeah.  MY MOM.  Yep, Mittens, that little old 84 year old lady doesn’t pay any taxes.  She can’t even take advantage of her mortgage interest deduction.  And yeah, she sucks the life out of those government programs, like Social Security that she paid into for let’s see, freaking forever, and that Medicare shit you want to make a voucher system.  Yeah, the one that actually benefits the people who can take advantage of it.  I’m voting for my Mom whether she gets it or not.

Mittens.  You are so freaking far out of touch with the average American it’s obscene.  Let’s see.  Who else doesn’t make enough money to pay taxes?  Enlisted grunts.  Disabled veterans.  Those leaches on society.  Sorry Mittens, you’re the leach on our society.

He paid taxes at a rate of 13.5% to 14% depending if you ask Faux News or Cnn.com or NPR.org.  Needless to say CNN and NPR agree only Faux news changed the numbers to 20%, which is…a lie.  But facts don’t matter, we’ver heard Mittens say his campaign is not going to be influenced by the facts.   My tax rate is 20%.  Now who is the leach on society?  He should be paying at least what I pay.  Period.

To quote the Brother “You are entitled to your own opinion.  You are not entitled to your own facts.”

From Neil Newhouse of the Romney campaign “Fact-checkers come to this with their own sets of thoughts and beliefs and you know what? We’re not going let our campaign be dictated by fact-checkers.”  Huh?  Facts are facts dipshit.  It is, or it isn’t.

That’s not to say the DNC hasn’t blurred the truth a bit themselves.  That’s why my new favorite website is http://www.politifact.com/.  Go see who’s pants are on fire.  Seriously.  There’s a trend.

Let’s revisit the Mormons, because I like picking on them.  Because they’re a bunch of liars with an agenda.  They are going to tear off their lizard masks and it’s going to be too late.  Y’all are worried about the Muslims and for the most part they are a peaceful bunch.  Kind of like the Christians.  If you don’t take the assholes into consideration. . . but both religions are rife with assholes so what do you do?

Remember the house across the street with the Yes on 8 sign?  The sanctity of marriage fergodsakes.  Well, she left him two years ago, about six months after the Prop 8 neighborhood debacle.  Yep, Miss Sanctity of Marriage left her husband.  Now I’ve always had a congenial relationship with her now ex-husband.  He’s a nice guy.  He’ll help me dig something up, push the Mustang back in the garage, helped me unload a .357 once, genuinely good guy.  Here’s the kicker.  The kids stayed with him, they did not leave with her.  About two months ago the divorce was final and she got the house.  He packed his shit and moved up the street and all of these Mormon guys started swarming around the house remodeling the whole thing.  New everything.  Then Princess Rhoda Olive Emity Eliza Mary Zina Louisa Emma, moved back in.  Sans children.  They stayed with the father.  The nice guy.  Dear Princess, I have much contempt for you and your LDS asshole friends.  And  your asshole Presidential candidate.

And God bless Billie Joe.  In a minute. That’s how a rockstar properly loses his shit.

Come on now we’re marching to the sea

I can’t help but think about magic underwear when I see Mitt Romney.  I went to check out “temple garmets” (apparently magic underwear is considered to be derogotory) and to my surprise, they’re sold out.  Or maybe they just didn’t pay their ISP.  No matter.

This Web site is down for maintenance.

We’re sorry about the inconvenience. Please come back later.

What I’m really wondering about is at what point does this country wake up and start talking about the Mormon agenda?  We’ve been told how terrible the gay agenda is, which is kind of funny.  This is not the gay agenda. This is the rantings of a guy like Caleb Hesse. The gay agenda is more like mimosas, tea dances, I want to marry my honey and don’t tase me bro.

Now the Mormon agenda concerns me.  The Mormons came in to the State of California and dumped a chunk of their massive wealth towards advancing and then establishing in to law Prop 8.  Prop H8.  The Mormons wanted to marginalize a portion of the California population, deny them rights that shouldn’t really matter to any one except the consenting adults who have chosen to love and marry one another.  We’re not talking a man and a donkey.  The donkey can’t consent.  We’re not talking pedifilia, we’ll leave that to greasy right wing haters like Caleb Hesse.  We’re talking about two consenting adults.  In America.  Don’t tell me you want to create smaller government and then start telling me you’re going to amend the Constitution to define who can marry who based on your religious beliefs.  Don’t do it.  The gay agenda doesn’t involve telling any one who they cannot love or marry.  Don’t want a gay marriage?  Don’t marry a gay.  Michelle Bachman has a gay marriage.  She just doesn’t know it yet.

The gay agenda hasn’t chosen a candidate and used their massive fortune to campaign him to the highest office in the country.  The Mormons have.  All with money that is not taxed in this country.

Yeah, that’s just a tiny sampling of their real estate holdings.  They don’t tell anybody what they really own in the United States.  And they don’t pay taxes on it.  Sound familiar?  Where have I recently heard that someone didn’t want to disclose their taxes….oh yeah.  Mitt.  He says, now, who knows what Mr. Etch-a-sketch will say tomorrow, or 20 minutes from now for that matter, that it has to do with his religion, read tithing.  My call is that the slimy bastard didn’t tithe his required 10% to the Mormon church and he does not want the LDS to know it.

His one year of released returns shows that Romney donated just less than $4.1 million to the LDS Church on an income of more than $40 million.

Read more: http://www.businessinsider.com/mitt-romney-tax-returns-rate-policy-release-mormon-tithes-2012-8#ixzz24wHgRR1X

That Mittens.  He’s just like you and me.  I bet if we gathered up everyone that reads PBE and pooled our resources we might come up with $4.1 million but we would never come close to $40 million.  This guy has no idea how the rest of us lives.  He gave more to the Mormon church on the one year worth of taxes he disclosed than most of us will make in, ten years.  He deducted more for Ann’s horse than most of us will make this year.  Who’s paying for this guy to run?  Mormons.  The Mormon agenda.

He has already said that he will push for all new computers to have blocks for porn on them.  I don’t care about the porn business, but it’s not his place to say who can and who cannot look at porn.  It’s that consenting adults shit again.  Of course long time PBE readers will remember when I got hacked and PBE was filled with bad Chinese porn, but I digress.

What they are trying to collapse is the Jeffersonian wall of separation between church and State.  They have the support of the tea baggers who are too stupid to understand what Thomas Jefferson meant when he wrote.

To messers Nehemiah Dodge, Ephraim Robbins, & Stephen S. Nelson, a committee of the Danbury Baptist association in the state of Connecticut.


The affectionate sentiments of esteem and approbation which you are so good as to express towards me, on behalf of the Danbury Baptist association, give me the highest satisfaction. my duties dictate a faithful and zealous pursuit of the interests of my constituents, & in proportion as they are persuaded of my fidelity to those duties, the discharge of them becomes more and more pleasing.

Believing with you that religion is a matter which lies solely between Man & his God, that he owes account to none other for his faith or his worship, that the legitimate powers of government reach actions only, & not opinions, I contemplate with sovereign reverence that act of the whole American people which declared that their legislature should “make no law respecting an establishment of religion, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof,” thus building a wall of separation between Church & State. [Congress thus inhibited from acts respecting religion, and the Executive authorised only to execute their acts, I have refrained from prescribing even those occasional performances of devotion, practiced indeed by the Executive of another nation as the legal head of its church, but subject here, as religious exercises only to the voluntary regulations and discipline of each respective sect.] Adhering to this expression of the supreme will of the nation in behalf of the rights of conscience, I shall see with sincere satisfaction the progress of those sentiments which tend to restore to man all his natural rights, convinced he has no natural right in opposition to his social duties.

I reciprocate your kind prayers for the protection & blessing of the common father and creator of man, and tender you for yourselves & your religious association assurances of my high respect & esteem.

(signed) Thomas Jefferson

Pretty clear.  The Mormons are trying to change all of this.  While the religious right would scream that the gays are trying to recruit, the Mormons really are.  When was the last time a faggot knocked on your door and asked you to come to a tea dance?  Yeah never.

In spite of anything Michelle Bachman or the pray away the gay asshats might say, no one can choose to be gay any more than they can choose to be straight.  Because that’s not a choice, it’s science.  And genetics.  And shit the right wing just doesn’t get.

I really don’t understand why I am the only one that sees the Mormon Agenda.  It’s real.  What is wrong with our liberal media?  Why can’t they report this?  I’m calling Fox News right now!

We both know I’m not what you need

We haven’t done Bon Mots and Cheap Shots in a while.  After five days on the road, it seems appropriate.

Let’s start off with Delta Airlines.  Credit where credit is due.  They got those sonofabitches off the gate and in the air on time.  Set a watch by those guys.  Clear airplanes, delightful staff.  Smooth flight back to Orlando and relatively smooth home, even though I know that’s a function of the weather, I was expecting a rough flight home and it did not scare the crap out of me.  In spite of both flights home being over booked on the way home I had an empty seat next to me.

Now, a couple of bitches.  1) A regional jet to Los Angeles?  Really?  Coming into Oakland with unsettled weather on that little bitch damned near gave me a heart attack.  I know my Dad would have loved it, but I am not my father when it comes to airplanes.  It’s not that I don’t like the concept of flying, I do.  It’s that I think that most corporations in America are inherently evil and would do anything to make money, including skimp on much needed maintenance to save a buck.  One word.  Jackscrew.  Nuff said.  Alaska Flight 261 is why I am afraid of flying.  I didn’t used to be.

I have a new client who I met last Friday.  He is a retired airplane mechanic.  That’s the thing, he’s retired.  He’s the kind of guy I would want working on my plane.  Methodical, uncompromising, Swiss.  I think the mechanics truly care, I don’t think the white collar jerkoffs give a damn.

2) $25 to check my first bag?  Bullshit.  Just bullshit.  Luckily I like to travel light so I was charged $25 and not $35 for a larger bag.  I take pride in wearing everything I bring.  I did with one exception.  Whenever there’s  a hotel pool at these events, I bring my swim suit and swim laps rather than try and work out at the gym when every other agent of the Cult of Red is trying to work out. Did I mention we were in Florida?  Orlando to be exact.  Upon my arrival Sunday morning at 6:30am it was 34 degrees in Orlando Florida.  That bullshit continued until Tuesday morning when it was in the 60’s and got up to the 70’s.  It’s Florida fergodsakes.  Anyway I wore/used everything except my swimsuit.  Upon my arrival at Orlando International yesterday to go home the porter was right there when I got out of the the Supershuttle.  He took my bag and then after charging me $25 for it stood there and muscled me for a tip.  I paid it to keep my bag from ending up in Bogata, but Buddy, you’re an asshole.

3) Mears Transportation.  They have a monopoly on the airport with direct transportation from all of the hotels to the airport and back.  In other words, all the other shuttles can’t be there.  So it cost me $50 to get to the hotel.  You people are assholes.

3) The problem with these things is that you just get jacked for everything.  One solution is Starbuck’s Via.  It improves upon crappy room coffee by the tenfold.  And keeps you from having to pay $5.25 for a cup of coffee.  Or $3.25 for a small bottle of water.  Or $10 for a quesadillo.  Assholes.

Next subject.  Whitney Houston.  Rest in peace, I’m sorry.  I’m really sorry for your daughter who had to deal with a trainwreck of an addict as a mother and a complete idiot for a father.  I’m really sorry for Cissy Houston who spent 48 years watching that train speed out of control towards the bridge that everybody knew was out.  Whitney, you disrepected Dolly Parton back when you had the hit from her song.  That always pissed me off.  I don’t care how beautiful your voice was.  Key word “was”.  Credit where credit is due and “I will always love you” was a brilliant song written by a brilliant songwriter.  You should have given her some credit back in 1992.  That was classless and I’m one of those purists who never forgot.  Dolly, on the other hand was gracious and forgiving.  Last week when asked about the song by Anderson Cooper quipped that every time that song was played on the radio she bought another cheap wig.  I’m sure that song has made Dolly a very wealthy woman.  She recorded it twice.  I do believe later Whitney did mention Dolly so I imagine I wasn’t the only person who noticed.

That being said, I’m sure Whitney alternatively made Cissy ridiculously proud and crack her molars.  I supposed it’s your duty to your parents.  Addiction is a terrible thing.  And it’s a disease.  When someone is a super star like Whitney Houston, Michael Jackson, Amy Winehouse, Brittany Murphy, Elvis Presley and on and on they have plenty of enablers all around them.  Whitney Houston had no business drinking champagne or having any sort of pills in her room.  I blame her Doctors and her entourage for not calling her on her shit.  But at the end of the day, it was her shit that killed her.  Now, why in heaven’s name are we watching about this bullshit 24/7 on CNN?  Just another reason I don’t have cable.

Move along, nothing to see here.

Rick Santorum.  Or as Sandra Berhard refers to him Sick Rantorum.  Why is this jackass surging?  Over the other jackass.  Who outpaces the third and fourth jackass. Do you people understand that he believes that life is absolutely holy, until the moment you are born and then you’re on your own?  That Government should absolutely stay out of your life unless you are a woman in which case it can dictate just about everything you do?  What is the matter with middle America?  This guy promises them nothing but Bush II on steroids.  And that worked out so well.

United States GDP Growth Rate

OK.  Five bad quarters.  The last one in 2009.  Now, quickly kiddies, who was President in 2008?  OK and who was sworn in January 2009.  OK and how many quarters in a row have we had growth?  Thankyouverymuch.


We’re not dumb and we’re not blind

Dear Congressman for my client,

I am writing you today on behalf of one of your constituents, Mr. <client’s name redacted> and his family.  They currently reside at <client’s address redacted>, CA, but that situation is tenacious.Today, Bank of America took Mr. <client’s name redacted> home.  Their behavior towards the short sale process and Mr. <client’s name redacted> was at best, not in good faith, and more likely criminal.

I am a real estate broker associate with The Cult of Red.  I represented Mr. and Mrs. <client’s name redacted> as they tried to salvage their dignity and short sell their home.  Mr. <client’s name redacted> has worked hard and had a job every day of his life from when he was 16 years old until 2008 when he was caught up in the crush of the economic downturn.  Hoping the situation was temporary, he filed bankruptcy.

As the months passed and his family emerged from bankruptcy, he was still unable to obtain steady work.  He looks every day for a job.  He had worked in waste management and as a warehouseman.  He had worked hard for his family.  When no job was forthcoming he attempted to modify the mortgage on his home.  Bank of America refused due to his lack of income.  He tried a second time to modify his loan and was refused a second time.

Finally Mr. <client’s name redacted> came to me for help.  I knew I couldn’t save his home but I felt that I could preserve his dignity.  Unfortunately, Bank of America had a different agenda.

On June 19, 2011 I took the listing and put his home on the market.  It is my practice to start the pricing at market and bring the price down to demonstrate to the bank that the home would not sell at the higher price.  I do regular price reductions until an offer is obtained.  Most banks respect this process.  I obtained the first offer on July 26, 2011.

According to Bank of America policies, I opened the short sale request in their Equator system, which is an online portal.  As is my practice, I uploaded their required documentation immediately and calendared to call them in three days.  I called them every day starting on that third day to check the status of the file.  Finally two weeks later they told me the file had been assigned to REDC.  I called them to talk to them about the file and was told that they did not have the documentation that was uploaded into the web portal because they did not use Equator.  I had to resubmit the documents to REDC.  At their request I faxed the documentation to the number they gave me.  It was lost and after several weeks of calls I was given a different fax number.  Finally, they had authorization to talk to me.  We are over a month into the file now.

I call REDC every single day asking for a short sale negotiator.  Finally in the first week of September I am given the name of negotiator.  This person never once answered his phone and never returned a single one of my phone calls.  I would estimate I left him in excess of 10 messages.

In frustration I return to the original phone number given to me by REDC and they tell me that the file isn’t a short sale, it is a deed in lieu of foreclosure file.  How could this be when my borrower submitted a HAFA short sale request package to Bank of America bank in July?  They insisted that my waste management worker client called them and asked for a deed in lieu of foreclosure.  That afternoon I called Mr. <client’s name redacted> and asked him if he knew what the words “deed in lieu of foreclosure” meant.  He did not.  It is impossible that he called and asked for a deed in lieu of foreclosure, Bank of America mixed up their files or mislabeled Mr. <client’s name redacted> file in the process wasting three months of precious time.

I ask Mr. <client’s name redacted> to call REDC in accordance with their request and tell them in person that he wanted to short sale his home.  He did so immediately.  I continue to call REDC for information about moving the file along.  Finally I am told that the file has been assigned back to Bank of America and I need to open it in Equator.  It is October 24, 2011.  It is 90 days later and I am back where I started.  The difference is that they have now set a Trustee’s sale date for November 22, 2011.  They wasted 90 days of precious time.

I reopen the order in Equator.  No sooner do I upload the offer then the buyer’s agent calls me to tell me that their buyer has decided not to buy the property after over 106 days of Bank of America chasing me around in circles.

Now that there is a Trustee’s sale scheduled for November 22, 2011 I must get a new offer quickly.  I do a price reduction and we get three offers.  On November 8, 2011, my seller accepts the best offer and I take it home to submit it to Equator.  It’s late so I save it for the next morning.  At 4:30 the next morning there is an email in my inbox denying the short sale because I didn’t upload an offer.  After numerous calls to their call center, the short answer is I have to open the file in Equator for the third time.  It is November 9, 2011 and Veteran’s Day is coming up.  I make a call every two hours looking for them to open the file again so I can stop the sale.  I finally have to take to the Internet and thrash their name to get a response.  After an obscene amount of unnecessary stress to myself and the <client’s name redacted> family, brought on by Bank of America’s incompetency, I stop the foreclosure sale.

The new offer is very fair.  It is $233,000.  I believe Mr. <client’s name redacted> home is worth $235,000.  Bank of America counters the offer at $267,500.  The buyer comes up to $242,000 and Bank of America counters at $254,000.  The buyer comes up to $243,000.  I check the comps to be sure that I haven’t made a mistake in valuation with Mr. <client’s name redacted> home.  It comps out at $235,000.  Bank of America counters at $251,000.  The buyers bawks.  It is January 4, 2011.  Bank of America denies the postponement of the Trustee’s sale because there isn’t a ratified contract.  I explain in detail that their counter is too high.  I am told by Joshua Roberts, their negotiator, that there is not enough time to have a review of the counter because of the trustee’s sale, but they can’t postpone the sale because there isn’t a ratified contract.  I am dizzy, once they are chasing me around with another Catch-22.

On January 6, 2012 Joshua Roberts tells me the only way to save the deal is to have the buyer accept Bank of America’s counter.  I ask to buyer to please accept the counter known full well that the home will not appraise.  I tell the buyers to leave the appraisal contingency in place and we will honor it.  They agree and at 9pm on January 9, 2012 I mark in Equator that the buyer has agreed to Bank of America’s terms.

On January 10, 2012 I make a total of seven phone calls and send five emails to Bank of America asking them to postpone the short sale because the buyers have agreed to their terms.  I called Joshua Roberts three times, his supervisor Michael Smith twice and customer service twice more.  Not one phone call or email was returned.  At this point the sale date is January 11, 2012 at 9am.  Once again I take to the Internet using twitter in particular to be as critical as I possibly can of Bank of America.  Once again, they escalate.  At 7:30 am I receive a phone call that Bank of America has what they need and will request the postponement.

At 7:50 as I am heading to a meeting I get another call from Joshua Roberts telling me that Bank of America needs a revised HUD.  The escrow company is not open until 8am.  I call and leave them a message and ask them to move heaven and earth for Mr. <client’s name redacted>.  They do.  At 8am I receive another call from Joshua Roberts.  This time the investor wants a copy of the receipt for the earnest money deposit from escrow.  Unfortunately there was no deposit of earnest money because Bank of America had yet to approve a short sale.  They were asking for something that 1) they had never previously requested or even expressed an interest in having and 2) did not exist.  Without that phantom item, they would not postpone the Trustee’s sale and allow Mr. <client’s name redacted> to short sell his home.  At 8:59am I received an email from Joshua Roberts informing me that they were unable to postpone the Trustee’s sale.  Mr. <client’s name redacted> home would be foreclosed on momentarily.

I do not believe that Mr. <client’s name redacted> experience is an anomaly.  I think that Bank of America does it many times every day to homeowners who have the misfortune of having Bank of America s their lender.  I think a lot of real estate agents don’t have the resolve or character to stand up and say ‘This is wrong” for fear of punitive action by Bank of America towards their business.  I don’t do business with them, so I do not fear them.

Some one has to stand up for guys like <client’s name redacted>.   He is a good man with a lovely wife and children.  He’s an American trying to live his life and make his way through this world.  This shouldn’t have happened to him.

This letter went out to my client’s Congressman with all the names and addresses in place.  Because it’s wrong.  And if I can’t stand up for what’s good and right I might as well put a gun to my head.


I’m a thoroughbred that’s what she said

Well, it looks like one of the rodeo clowns fell out of the clown car.  Too bad, he was fun to watch.  Embarrassing, but fun.

The Republican concept that you beat a negro with another negro was offensive.  Especially since their negro spoke ebonics.  There I said it.  And if God told Herman Cain to run for President, who was Little Herman taking his marching orders from?

God: “Herman, I want you to run for President, your country needs you”

Herman: “Thank you Lord”

God: “Little Herman, I want you to  find every adulteress you can and show her the key to heaven”

Because God is a flip flopper.

Because y’all have been denied me.

Bullshit.  And it was the media’s fault that Herman Cain’s campaign went up in flames.  It had nothing to do with the 14 women he was banging who weren’t named Mrs. Cain.

Powerful men with wandering willies has gone on for ages.  Quit pretending like it doesn’t.  It’s a fact of life.  Some are faithful, others are not.  Standing up in front of the media and lying doesn’t help anything.  If you did it, stand up like a man.  Nothing pisses me off more than someone denying, denying and then having to do a mea culpa.  It’s your life.  You did it.  Own up to it.  I don’t know why we care unless you lie about it.  Or tell us God told you to run for President.  Or hold yourself up as an holier than thou vessel from God and have a hotel room full of male hookers and meth.

I don’t want to see another President going before the American people like Bill Clinton had to.  That is one of the things from his Presidency that really pisses me off.  That and the Glass Steagall thing.  God knows we don’t need another Checkers speech either.

This year I implore the Republicans to bring forth a viable candidate.  This country deserves better than your freak show has provided us.  Santorum?  Never.  Bachman?  That’s a whole week’s worth of posts on butterfly wingnuts.  Romney?  I love the “anybody but the Mormon faction” even though he’s the guy that would probably do the best job of the current freak parade.   Perry?  Did we not learn about Governors from Texas already?   Paul?  Interesting concepts that won’t convert to workable solutions, although I think he gets what conservatism really is.  Gingrich?  He’s been out of politics for 13 years, it’s changed.  Oh yeah and he was one of the architects of the current toxic Congressional situation.  And he’s a well known philanderer.  You can’t clean up bringing divorce papers to your wife while she is in the hospital for cancer.  And you can’t clean up the affair that lead to his third marriage.  And are we going to elect a guy who has been married three times?  He’s damaged goods on every level, not to mention a smug son-of-a-bitch.



Millions of people living as foes

You know, I’d leave this subject alone if it weren’t so important.  Or if it was the drum I’ve been pounding on for the last four years.

I’ve said for 20 years that the title industry needed to unionize.  Now I know OTG just regurgitated, but before you projectile vomit, consider this; if the industry was unionized the jobs wouldn’t have been shipped to India.  And we’d all be in pretty decent shape right now.  It’s not like the title companies have less work, they don’t.  It’s different work.  Probably more work.

Now riddle me this kittens, if you were making $127k per year would everything be peachy keen in your life?  My new favorite meme is earning over $110k every year and $127k the year he filed bankruptcy.  Just as an aside the sub headline “John Pike could no longer afford his mortgage, after the housing market crashed” is either ignorance on the part of the reporter or bullshit on the part of Pike.  If your income is the same and your payment is the same you can afford your mortgage no matter what the housing market does.  Idiots.  I certainly hope a bankruptcy judge didn’t consider that to have any bearing on anything.  But seriously if you can’t live on $127k a year in Roseville, you’re a…wait for it….piker.


Come on, you didn’t see that coming.

Today is Black Friday.  It makes me sad.  Today used to be the day that I would be in downtown San Francisco at 8am with a cup of coffee in hand to wander past each of the stores to see their new displays.  I’ll never forget the year that the Macy’s display looked like cherubs in bondage.  There were the puppies and kittens at Gumps, everybody’s windows were done up and beautiful.  But they put that shit up in August now and who the hell cares any more?  Afterwards I would head over to the SF Autoshow and see all the new toys.   This year I went to the car show on Monday with a friend of mine.

Check out that little lover.  That’s a Fisker Karma.  A 100% electric car.  $90k worth of love.  When I grow up I want one of those.  Because I will just have my attorney make the tickets go away.

One of the vehicles I have been considering for my business is a Mini.  For a lot of reasons.  Most importantly gas mileage.  They get like a gazillion mpg.  And they are built by BMW so they have all that BMW safety shit in them.  But I can’t see myself selling real estate out of a clown car.

Or maybe I should sell real estate from a clown car?  If it’s good enough for the Republican Presidential election it should be good enough for me.

Speaking of which, are those guys kidding?  I love a quote I heard the other day, “The Democrats move right and the Republicans move righter”.  That’s because they keep moving the shell because the only thing they want is all the power back.  They want Obama out at any cost.  They don’t want this country to get back on track, they don’t want to create jobs, they just want to take all they can for themselves and bitch about the unwashed masses fighting over the scraps.  Greed is still one of the seven deadly sins friends.

And it’s Christmas early in my world.  Jon Stewart is more reliable than cable news anchors for information.  For the record, he’s on the comedy channel.  Load up the clown car.

The Daily Show With Jon Stewart Mon – Thurs 11p / 10c
On Topic – GOP Presidential Candidates – Michele Bachmann
Daily Show Full Episodes Political Humor & Satire Blog The Daily Show on Facebook

We’re finally on our own

It could be argued that Occupy Wall Street is wasting a whole bunch of tax payer money.  And I wouldn’t dispute that it’s costing our cities a lot of money to manage the situation.  It could also be argued that a lot of the violence is being committed by the State.


I don’t think that’s ok.  And you shouldn’t either.  Pepper spray was not designed for that use.  Shame on them.

These guys aren’t going away.  And they shouldn’t either.  As much as Faux News would like to demonize them and say they are puppets of George Soros, this is organic.  George Soros didn’t offer to send them porto potties in NYC.  Bette Midler did.  And Bette is the 1%.  That’s actually a great interview, she gets it.

You’d think after all these years that the Cal PoPo would get it, but no.

Not the footage you’re seeing on Fox.  Or most of the other news stations right now.  That’s a Cal professor offering her wrists to the police to be arrested and then being hauled out by the hair, thrown down and arrested.  Who is really committing the violence?

The difference between now and the 60’s is the haircuts.  That’s it.  Bette is right.  Dirty hippie is so 1967, pick another phrase.  While you can still be mad at the folks in the 60’s that called our returning troops “baby killers”, I agree that was wrong, you can’t be mad at these guys who just want the millionaires and billionaires to pay the same taxes that we do.  Most billionaires pay 1% of their income in taxes.  I pay about 10 percent with all of my business deductions.  My highest bills in order are mortgage, car and health insurance, gasoline, taxes and then a plethora of bullshit after that.   An example of one of my bills that is 1% of my income would be Rita’s pet insurance.   Would it be great to pay that amount to the Feds?  Hell yeah!

The gripe is legit.  If the billionaires paid the same rate as the rest of us things would be a lot better in this country.  So Larry Ellison buys one less yacht.  Are you going to rally for the yacht broker?  I love the right wing argument that taxing billionaires wouldn’t make that much difference in the over all scheme of things so let’s not do it.  Really?  Then tax them and let’s move on.  It will generate around a trillion dollars.  Chump change to the federal government, but a trillion dollars that doesn’t have to be cut from somewhere and a trillion dollars load that doesn’t have to be carried by the middle class.  And the obscenity of it all is that it’s just their fair share.