Well it reminds me of the menu at a holiday inn

There’s been lots of rumbling about Bank of America failing.  I say let’em.  Any bank that can’t run their business needs to circle the drain like everyone else.  Nobody is going to bail my ass out if I don’t make it.  There are times when it’s pretty tenacious around here, like right now.  The fact that some bastard sitting back in North Carolina is going to get to keep his job because my tax dollars were taken to save their butts infuriates me.  I’d like to see US Bank fail right now too.  For a different reason.  Let’s start with BofA.

I have a client who lost his job in 2008.  He isn’t particularly skilled labor, but he’s a good man who loves his family and has worked hard every day of his life up until that day in 2008.  He has spent the last three years trying to get back to work.  His wife’s income is all they have.  It wasn’t enough.  They wiped out their savings, went bankrupt, lost it all, couldn’t pay the house note any more, asked the bank for a modification, which was refused and here we are.  I take the listing and take an offer on the house in about 3 weeks.

I call Bank of America when I take the listing and tell them their borrower needs to short sale.  They say “Initiate it in Equator”.  I do.  Crickets.  In Equator they task to the broker each new task.  Essentially after the 3rd party authorization is uploaded they task back “Upload the RMA”.  The RMA is the Request for Mortgage Assistance.  About three weeks later I call and they say “Oh we aren’t doing this one it’s REDC, you need to fax everything in.”  About that time get call, a package has arrived at my clients house.  I go out there and there’s the RMA.   We follow every instruction to a T.  The letter is on BofA stationary.  I fax it in and crickets.  Apparently they want more stuff but they never tell me.  It’s a secret.  I call back and they call it a “Deed in Lieu of Foreclosure”, I say “No, this is a short sale”.  Now they tell me that in spite of the Request for Mortgage Assistance, the signed listing agreement and the signed offer, my client has to call REDC on the freaking phone and request a short sale.  I have my guy make that phone call last Thursday.  Yesterday I call and they tell me that he called at 6:39am that morning and requested a deed in lieu.


Excuse me?

I said Bullshit you stupid little chippy.

Yep, I’m talking to another Tiffany.  This whole process you talk to either Tiffany, Brittany or Sheniqua.  Or maybe Clinque.  More likely than not, no one old enough to drink legally.  My terminally unemployed guy did not get up at 6:39 in the morning and call you idiots.  My guy calls back and argues with them to get the short sale.  Seriously.  His life is a mess, at least he might be able to get back on track in 3-4 years with a short sale.  It’s a non-recourse loan.  It’s not June 2012, he has a chance.  A deed in lieu is going to jack him up for seven more years.  The tax consequences should be non-existent for this guy either way, so let’s get him on with his life with the least amount of damage possible.  Trust me, I don’t short sale if they want to stay and a modification makes sense.  And I don’t short sale if they should be walking away.  And I don’t tell them to walk away with out telling them to talk to an attorney.   Hopefully, he got through their thick ignorant heads yesterday and we can proceed with short selling his home.  It should not be this hard.  Or this ridiculous.

Now on to US Bank.  Assholes.  This one’s personal.  I used to maintain my business accounts with them.  My patience was thinning.  It worked when I was at the other brokerage because he paid me out of his account which was with US Bank.  When I went to the Cult of Red, we get paid directly by the escrow company.  I get checks from Wells Fargo, Bank of New York in Los Angeles (thanks Fidelity, you idiots), Bank of America, and CoAmerica.  Probably some others, but I don’t know what.  US Bank puts a 10 day hold on any check drawn on any bank over $5000.  Most commission checks are over $5000.  They tell me some convoluted story but I know goddamn good and well they collect all of these banks the next day.  And then they charge me $33 for every item that goes through before they release their bullshit hold.   Last month they took $330 from me for that.

Last week, Norman clocked me in the eyeball.  I bent over to get a foxtail out of the water bowl and he raised up to see me.  He just about dropped me.  He did not hit my face, he only hit the eyeball.  Let me tell you, that hurts like a mofo.  My vision was screwed up, I was seeing swords of light and floaters.  For the first time in four years I had to go to Kaiser.  I’ve been paying for it every month and never had to use it until last Tuesday.  There is a co-pay of $100.  As I pay them on my business card, I know I need to move money.  It was August 30.  I sit down in the waiting room, log on to US Bank on my phone like I’d done many times before and move Septembers pay from the savings into the checking account so I can pay myself.  Paying myself involves writing a check off of US Bank to my personal account at WFB.  The next day I write a check to myself and deposit it into my WFB account.  On Friday I go to buy groceries and can’t get any love on the WFB card.  Strange.  I use the US Bank card and it works.  I figure the check just didn’t clear right way, I used the ATM after all.  Yesterday I get a letter from WFB that there is a problem with the check.  I go back and look on the US Bank side and the original transfer never occurred!  There’s another $297 worth of bounce charges and over $5000 sitting in the freaking savings account!

I call them and tell them what happened and they say “Well, we don’t see any transfer”.  No shit.  “We can’t refund you the fees if we can’t see where you logged in”.  Listen you ignorant little bit of parrot droppings, if your computer saw the transaction it would have moved it and we wouldn’t be talking.  The goddamn thing didn’t go through properly.  “We aren’t going to refund you the fees.”  Look you jackass, why in the world would I leave over $5000 in the savings account and write a bunch of bad checks?  Why would I do that?  “I don’t know why you would do that.  I’m not you.”  Let me help you out.  I wouldn’t do that, your system screwed up.

Last night I went into my local branch of US Bank and ended our relationship.  I asked the very nice teller (my local branch isn’t stupid like the branch I opened the account with) Would you pay $300 a month to do business with this bank?  She wouldn’t.  I told her “That’s like a car payment to have a checking account with you guys.  Does that sound appropriate?”  No.  She got it.  They know me there.  I could tell by the look on her face she was horrified by the story I was telling her.  I didn’t beat on her, it wasn’t her fault.  She just needed to know that the back office did the wrong thing and her bank not only lost a customer, but pissed somebody off really badly.  We all know a happy customer tells three people, a pissed off customer tells ten or worse yet, blogs about it.

So now I’m about a rat’s ass hair away from burying my commission checks in a coffee can in the back yard and building a bunch of hillbilly booby traps around here.  I promise you my Senators and my Congressman (I’m in John Garamendi’s world) will know that I vehemently oppose helping out any more bankers.  They’re what’s wrong with America.  They are the assholes that want no government regulation, that comes with no governmental bailout.  Here’s a new script for you jackasses in your future work environment “Would you like fries with that?”

One Reply to “Well it reminds me of the menu at a holiday inn”

  1. The number of accounts you have makes my head hurt. SweetPea’s Grandfather talks about using the Bank of Folgers (or whatever can is your preference). He has multiple bank accounts, too, but I promise you their house isn’t leaving family hands until the yard’s have been scanned.

    Related: I won’t bank with USBank, and the only reason I bank with BofA is because they were sold our mortgage. They’re both money grubbing asshats. Kind of like Big Oil.

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