Corporate Wankers

We’re not the ones who are meant to follow

On one hand, I don’t want to jinx myself.  On the other I think that ship has sailed.  So let’s talk about banks again, because they are such asshats that it’s endless material.

One deal I’m working on is with Chase.  I hate Chase so much that I went and cancelled my personal account.  I have that much hate for them.  The last straw was someone took $105 out of the account.  I don’t know who.  They couldn’t tell me who and they didn’t give a damn to help me figure it out.  I used to have two personal accounts.  It was really a pain in the ass anyway.  Now I have one.  They made the choice easy.

I have a short sale with them right now.  The borrower came to me in late September and needed to unload a property that she over encumbered and then lost her job and couldn’t make the payments.  Her retirement was gone trying to save the house.  Her unemployment had run out.  In October she was stone broke.  I FedExed an HAFA package to the bank on 10/4.  I called on 10/8 to check to see if the package was received and basically ask about what was next in their procedures.  Oh, they couldn’t talk to me because they didn’t have authorization to talk to me.  Uh, the authorization is in the package I sent you along with the listing agreement.  No, you have to send an authorization to this fax machine.  Seriously.  Fax machine.  Who uses those any more?  The big banks.  All of them.  I draw up another authorization and drive 30 miles to meet my seller and have her sign it.  Again.  Then I come back and fax it to that number.  I wait four days and call.  Oh, not that number, use these numbers.  I fax it to these numbers and wait four days.  Oh, not those numbers, this number.  Really?  I got pissed and faxed it 9 times to each number.

Sometime around Thanksgiving I finally called and the authorization had been uploaded and they could talk to me about the modification.  The huh?  The modification.  Oh no, it’s not a modification, if you’ll look you’ll see that Chase denied a modification about three weeks before I sent you the short sale package.  No, this is a modification. No, you guys denied the modification in September.  Why would I send you another one?  This is the HAFA short sale package.  It says here in the computer it’s a modification.  It says in your computer that the package I sent on October 4th is a modification?  Yes.  No.  It’s not.  Why would their be a listing agreement for a modification?  I don’t know.  OK, why don’t y’all RTFD and get back to me.  Two more weeks of silence.

Now I’ve sold the property because it’s been like 60 days and even I can sell a house in 60 days.  And I sold this one myself.  I send them the offer on 12/8.  I call four days later and find out that they have uploaded the modification template instead of the short sale template into their machine and can’t talk to me about the transaction.  They need to delete the template and then reload the right one and then they will be able to put the documents into the system and talk to me.  I call them every three days and they repeat this same asinine story every three days.

On the fourth of January, I lose my mind.  I think I’ve done well up to this point.  A friend of mine gave me the phone numbers to the executive offices of BofA and Chase.  I call Chase’s executive offices and ask them exactly how long the process of correcting the template mistake should take?  Since it’s their mistake.  24 hours later the right template is uploaded and I’ve been assigned Jeff.  Jeff is a high D for DOMINANT DRIVEN DIRECT DOMINEER personality.  I’ve been assigned a guy in the short sale department who will review the file and assign it to a negotiator.   I think I’m headed to the promised land.  Not so fast Bucko.

On January 17 I receive an email from some d-bag who wants some extra documents.  They are actually documents that weren’t needed back in October, like the November and December bank statements from my client.  Then he gives me five days to respond or the short sale is off.  Are you kidding me?  After 111 days of waiting for Chase to pull their heads out of their collective asses they have the brass balls to give me 5 days to respond?  I got everything to them in two days.  Silence.  So I write the little d-bag back on day four and ask “Do you have everything you need?”  He responds “yes”.  That was 7 days ago.  I want to write the little jackhole and say “You have five days to respond and then I’m going to advise my 70 year old unemployed Grandma client to call her Congressman”.  But I don’t because the buyer backed out yesterday and I have to put it back on the market.

I’ve heard Bank of America is getting better.  I’ve heard of approvals from them in two weeks. Remember when I said I heard Matt Vernon, their executive in charge of all distressed properties speak?  One of the things he said was that two or three years down the line when the economy turns around, all these people who are in trouble right now will be back on their feet.  If we treat them poorly now, they won’t ever do business with us again.  We are laying the foundation for our future.  We have to help.

Too bad there’s no one like Matt at Chase.

Not to worry, BofA has their own issues.  Here’s some cheap entertainment.

Leave a Reply