Teeth are extruded and bones are ground

I wrote a really really great speech for my Toastmaster’s Club last night.  It was a speech contest and I’m generally golden for contests.  I have the presence and I tear it up.  It was called “One foot in the grave and another on a Banana Republic”.   It was a really good speech.

I used to live in Santa Barbara.  Santa Barbara is a tough town to make it in.  There is incredible wealth down there.  When I lived there Streisand had a house there.  The Shah of Iran’s sister lived up on the hill.  David Nancarrow the founder of Carrow’s restaurants and owner of Sambo’s lived there.  We used to have a postcard that hung in our department that said “Santa Barbara is like a Banana republic.  There are the wealthy landowners and the kitchen help.”

I see a guy standing on the corner of Treat and Contra Costa with a sign that says “Pray for our country” and I think this guy probably doesn’t understand why he should be praying for our country.  It’s got nothing to do with our President or the fact that Hawaii is not a state in Kenya.  Or the fact that our President is spite or having attended both a muslim and catholic school as a boy is baptized Christian as an adult.  It has to do with what the power brokers of Wall Street are doing to turn this country into a Banana Republic.  And friends, we are the kitchen help.

The issues as I see them are that there are fewer and fewer ways for the average American to make a decent living in this country.  There has been a concerted effort to break the unions.  At the time it could be argued that the unions weren’t necessary, but what we’ve seen since the unions have been broken is an eroding of workplace conditions and worker benefits.

The next assault we saw on the American worker was huge companies like Wells Fargo laying off thousands of workers at a time, only to bring the back through a temporary firm with less pay and no benefits.

You may say that’s acceptable, it’s a capitalistic society and you would be half right.  But I ask you, if we don’t empower the people with a decent wage how will they acquire goods and services you are selling, who are the customers?

We’ve gone from a healthy strong economy to finally a stable economy.  We’ve seen 13 consecutive quarters of growth.  But we are barely stable.  Just like James Carville helped Clinton sink Bush I with the phrase “It’s the economy stupid” we could now be looking at an entire Congress sunk by one word.  Jobs.  I listen to them blathering on about things that shouldn’t even be discussed anymore they are such yesterday’s news.  It’s about jobs.

We are stagnant and we need to get Americans back to work.  And I’m not talking $8.25 at Starbucks.  Back to decent jobs.  We need a new industry and that industry is energy.  We need to quit suckling on the oil industry and build fuel efficient vehicles and alternative fuel vehicles because it’s the right thing to do.  It saves our planet and gets our country back to work.

We are coming from a place of mine mine mine like a bunch of four year olds.  We beat on our tattered Bibles and let a starving man die.  Who are we and when did this hateful behavior become ok?  What religion tells us it’s ok to let our fellow man suffer?  Where did we lose our compassion?

I come from a place of abundance.  If I can give you a leg up, I’m going to.  I gave my office mate half of one of my deals.  He had been very supportive of me all alone and I felt I wanted someone to partner with on this one listing.  He gave me back two of his deals.  We work from a place of abundance.  The more we have, the more we have.  We support our co-workers to be more successful in their businesses, because the more we are successful the more we are all successful.

We need to embrace each other’s struggle and come from a place of abundance.  We need to lift up those who are struggling, regardless of the religious beliefs, because it’s the right thing to do.  Because when the weakest of us wins, we all win.

We will always need the kitchen help.  But they are help, not stray dogs that we toss scraps to.  I pray for America, but I pray we right the ship and don’t become a banana republic.

Goddamn that’s good.  Unfortunately that’s not the speech I delivered last night.  We can’t use notes and generally I just cruise.  I got up there last night and I started trembling.  And I got dry mouth.  And I freaking forgot where I was at the third paragraph and had to look at my notes.  I stunk it up.  Afterwards one of our resident Republicans came up to me and told me I had the better speech and what happened?  I have no idea, it’s never happened before.  I’d done the speech at least the requisite six times in the truck while driving between appointments yesterday.   I read through it at least five times pacing the hallway before I went in.  I just stunk it up last night.

As for our resident Republican, I did point out to her that we agree on more stuff than disagree, inferring that perhaps her party allegiance was misguided.

Compelling.  But I’ve been saying it’s a seller’s market for over a year now.  And right now everybody else is jumping on board.  A year ago I was looked upon as the village idiot.  Yeah, notsomuch.  Now I’m the smartest guy in the room.

This little dog is the sweetest dog ever.  Ever.  In the morning I say “Come here Sweetheart” and she comes into my office and just stands there to get pet.  She doesn’t ask for anything except to go out.  She lets my knuckleheads all run past her in the morning to get out and waits her turn for her breakfast.  I would like to take the rat bastard that over bred her and dumped her and chain them to the trailer hitch of my truck and drag them about 40 miles.

Another idiot who overbred a bitch and dumped her at the shelter when she needed some medical attention.  I think I have room for two on my trailer hitch.  There is a fiery place in hell for these sorry ass excuse for human beings.

Let’s just keep going

The stupidest idea ever pushed forth came from Schwarzenegger. That is the “let the people decide”. 80% of the people are always ignorant. They won’t get off their asses to figure out why something happened.  Or why it matters.  They will act on their own insecurities which does not benefit the republic.

Today I throw Governor Christie under the bus.  You are an ignorant buffoon elected by, thanks to Reagan, a now largely uneducated state.

“He should just write a check and shut up,” said Mr. Christie Tuesday. “Really, and just contribute, OK? I mean, you know, the fact of the matter is that I’m tired of hearing about it. If he wants to give the government more money, he’s got the ability to write a check, go ahead and write it.”

Duck!  Governor Christie, that’s the point flying right over your head.  It’s America asshole.  Like you, Warren Buffet can flap his lips until the cows come home.  And you want to be Vice President?  What’s wrong with you people?

There are so many reasons to hate Rick Santorum, it’s hard to know where to start.  Not to mention I would like to personally slap that smug smile right off of his face.

The main thing that has to be done is we need to do what President Obama was very willing to do in Egypt and Libya — but seems reticent to do in Syria and Iran, those two connected states — which is to support the pro-democracy movement in those countries. The president was willing to jump in bed with the Muslim Brotherhood in Libya and in Egypt, but actually sided with Syria in this struggle by recognizing them as a government for the first time in many many years.  And of course during the elections in 2009 when the Green Revolution was sparked in Iran, he sided with [Iranian President] Ahmadinejad and the Mullahs. Again, if you are an enemy of the United States, you’re going to get very nice treatment from Obama. But if you’re a friend, you’re going to get thrown under the bus.

The main thing Mr. Santorum is that you are full of shit.  And a racist.  And a bigot.  Obama did not side with the Iranian terrorist President.  Believing it is ignorant and a Presidential candidate saying that is really criminal.

Of course this reminds me of the recent study that said that human beings do not strive for the truth, if presented with irrefutable evidence they are wrong they will continue to argue their point just to be right even though truth is not on their side.

What kind of klown kar is this when Ron Paul looks like the normal one?  Why aren’t any normal Conservatives running for President.  Is “normal Conservative” a contradiction in terms?  If Louise decides to drive the T-Bird into the Grand Canyon, do we all have to go?

And because I know I’m not the only one guilty of critical thinking….Margaret and Helen.


Sounds like a whisper

You know even I can’t make this shit up.  The Girl Scouts can’t meet at a Virginia church because of their connection to Planned Parenthood.  It’s not worth it to me to say “I told you so” but when the Good Lord comes these folks are going to be all puffed up and He’s going to say “What the hell were you thinking?”  Banning children from church, what an awesome idea.  That’s not to say that the Girl Scouts didn’t push back a little.

I swear to God, I don’t make this up.  Here is my call on Santorum “misogynist sonofabitch”.  Followed by “stupid”.

Speaking of misogynist sonofabitchs or stupid misogynist sonofabitchs, one of my favorite airheads has let his helium filled noggin float to the top of the capital dome and bobble around in the rafters.  Darrell Issa.  Really?  Really?

Now, a word to the Christianistas.  Y’all aren’t the only carnival in town and stop trying to shove your brand of fanaticism down everybody’s throat.  We’re tired of it. I’m tired of it. The Jews are tired of it. The Muslims are tired of it. The Hindus are tire of it. The Buddists are tired of it. The Taoist are tire of it. The goddamned PAGANS have had enough of it.



I needed somewhere to hang my head without your noose

I had an argument with a guy a couple of weeks ago over dog rescue.  It’s a subject a lot of people are very passionate about.  But like everything else, few can think outside of the box.

My business coach made me brush my teeth with my non-dominant hand for a month.  It started with him saying “Brush your teeth with your left hand.”  Followed by “Dude, I do that every day”, which was kind of the lesson within the lesson.  Anyway, it really helps your thinking.  Drive home a different way every day.  Start in the grocery store on the right instead of the left aisle.  Whatever.  It’s good for your head.

Anyway, this knucklehead was certain I was a complete idiot because I supported breeders, therefore I could not understand what rescue was really about.  I maintain that he was a complete idiot because he was unable to think outside of the acceptable paradigm for rescue and shelter dogs to take his thinking to the next level.

I think everyone has probably seen My Pledge to Dogs.  I started it a year ago.  I stand by it today.  I got it right.  You see, like I believe that not everyone gets to own a house and not everyone gets to drive a BMW, not everyone gets to own a dog.  If only reputable breeders bred dogs there would be no need for shelters.  Or me with a house full of trainwrecks.  I did not choose these four.  Someone else rejected them.  And now they are here, because it was the right thing to do.

As a sidebar, when I left for Florida, I gave The Brother instructions on what to do if a dog died in my absence.  In theory Miss Cleo could lay down and be gone at any moment, but Dobermans all have the potential to collapse and die from DCM at a moment’s notice.  I don’t have a young dog any more, Bubba is probably 3 or 4 now, Rita 5-7, Norman 8+ and Miss Cleo is 117.  Miss Cleo went to the vet before I left because she was hurking up giant wads of snot.  She got a run of antibiotics even though my vet told me he thought that was quackery to not do at least a chest X-ray.  Well, Miss Cleo took off on The Brother and he had to go running down the street to catch her.  And now she is running around the yard.  I’m not recommending to go directly to quackery but some times horse sense pays off.

Anyway, that gets us to Fifi.  Ch Protocol’s Veni Vidi Vici!  Now the best Doberman Pinscher in the country if you saw the Westminster on Tuesday.  This bitch is everything you could ever ask for in this breed.  She is sleek, gorgeous, she moves flawlessly.  She is intense and alert.  And this morning PBE would like to lift a glass to the Fifinator.  Congratulations on a great run!  To the WKC…the Pekinese…really?  And dumping the shelter dog commercials for Purina’s “happy ads”?  Idiots.


We both know I’m not what you need

We haven’t done Bon Mots and Cheap Shots in a while.  After five days on the road, it seems appropriate.

Let’s start off with Delta Airlines.  Credit where credit is due.  They got those sonofabitches off the gate and in the air on time.  Set a watch by those guys.  Clear airplanes, delightful staff.  Smooth flight back to Orlando and relatively smooth home, even though I know that’s a function of the weather, I was expecting a rough flight home and it did not scare the crap out of me.  In spite of both flights home being over booked on the way home I had an empty seat next to me.

Now, a couple of bitches.  1) A regional jet to Los Angeles?  Really?  Coming into Oakland with unsettled weather on that little bitch damned near gave me a heart attack.  I know my Dad would have loved it, but I am not my father when it comes to airplanes.  It’s not that I don’t like the concept of flying, I do.  It’s that I think that most corporations in America are inherently evil and would do anything to make money, including skimp on much needed maintenance to save a buck.  One word.  Jackscrew.  Nuff said.  Alaska Flight 261 is why I am afraid of flying.  I didn’t used to be.

I have a new client who I met last Friday.  He is a retired airplane mechanic.  That’s the thing, he’s retired.  He’s the kind of guy I would want working on my plane.  Methodical, uncompromising, Swiss.  I think the mechanics truly care, I don’t think the white collar jerkoffs give a damn.

2) $25 to check my first bag?  Bullshit.  Just bullshit.  Luckily I like to travel light so I was charged $25 and not $35 for a larger bag.  I take pride in wearing everything I bring.  I did with one exception.  Whenever there’s  a hotel pool at these events, I bring my swim suit and swim laps rather than try and work out at the gym when every other agent of the Cult of Red is trying to work out. Did I mention we were in Florida?  Orlando to be exact.  Upon my arrival Sunday morning at 6:30am it was 34 degrees in Orlando Florida.  That bullshit continued until Tuesday morning when it was in the 60’s and got up to the 70’s.  It’s Florida fergodsakes.  Anyway I wore/used everything except my swimsuit.  Upon my arrival at Orlando International yesterday to go home the porter was right there when I got out of the the Supershuttle.  He took my bag and then after charging me $25 for it stood there and muscled me for a tip.  I paid it to keep my bag from ending up in Bogata, but Buddy, you’re an asshole.

3) Mears Transportation.  They have a monopoly on the airport with direct transportation from all of the hotels to the airport and back.  In other words, all the other shuttles can’t be there.  So it cost me $50 to get to the hotel.  You people are assholes.

3) The problem with these things is that you just get jacked for everything.  One solution is Starbuck’s Via.  It improves upon crappy room coffee by the tenfold.  And keeps you from having to pay $5.25 for a cup of coffee.  Or $3.25 for a small bottle of water.  Or $10 for a quesadillo.  Assholes.

Next subject.  Whitney Houston.  Rest in peace, I’m sorry.  I’m really sorry for your daughter who had to deal with a trainwreck of an addict as a mother and a complete idiot for a father.  I’m really sorry for Cissy Houston who spent 48 years watching that train speed out of control towards the bridge that everybody knew was out.  Whitney, you disrepected Dolly Parton back when you had the hit from her song.  That always pissed me off.  I don’t care how beautiful your voice was.  Key word “was”.  Credit where credit is due and “I will always love you” was a brilliant song written by a brilliant songwriter.  You should have given her some credit back in 1992.  That was classless and I’m one of those purists who never forgot.  Dolly, on the other hand was gracious and forgiving.  Last week when asked about the song by Anderson Cooper quipped that every time that song was played on the radio she bought another cheap wig.  I’m sure that song has made Dolly a very wealthy woman.  She recorded it twice.  I do believe later Whitney did mention Dolly so I imagine I wasn’t the only person who noticed.

That being said, I’m sure Whitney alternatively made Cissy ridiculously proud and crack her molars.  I supposed it’s your duty to your parents.  Addiction is a terrible thing.  And it’s a disease.  When someone is a super star like Whitney Houston, Michael Jackson, Amy Winehouse, Brittany Murphy, Elvis Presley and on and on they have plenty of enablers all around them.  Whitney Houston had no business drinking champagne or having any sort of pills in her room.  I blame her Doctors and her entourage for not calling her on her shit.  But at the end of the day, it was her shit that killed her.  Now, why in heaven’s name are we watching about this bullshit 24/7 on CNN?  Just another reason I don’t have cable.

Move along, nothing to see here.

Rick Santorum.  Or as Sandra Berhard refers to him Sick Rantorum.  Why is this jackass surging?  Over the other jackass.  Who outpaces the third and fourth jackass. Do you people understand that he believes that life is absolutely holy, until the moment you are born and then you’re on your own?  That Government should absolutely stay out of your life unless you are a woman in which case it can dictate just about everything you do?  What is the matter with middle America?  This guy promises them nothing but Bush II on steroids.  And that worked out so well.

United States GDP Growth Rate

OK.  Five bad quarters.  The last one in 2009.  Now, quickly kiddies, who was President in 2008?  OK and who was sworn in January 2009.  OK and how many quarters in a row have we had growth?  Thankyouverymuch.


God is a bullet have mercy on us everyone

Yesterday the United States Court of Appeals for the 9th Circuit struck down the bullshit known as Prop 8.  The most telling quote to me in the whole thing was as follows:

“Proposition 8 serves no purpose, and has no effect, other than to lessen the status and human dignity of gays and lesbians in California, an to officially reclassify their relationships and families as inferior to those of opposite-sex couples”

Want to talk about wasting taxpayer resources?  How about the asshats that won’t stop with this piece of shit?  A true conservative should be outraged that this much time and effort has been wasted to dictate government involvement in something this ludicrous.  Don’t tread on me unless you’re queer in which case I will tread on you?  Assholes.  Same with abortion.  If you don’t like gay marriage, don’t marry a queer.  Michelle Bachmann has a gay marriage.  Are you listening?

I was talking to The Brother last night and he said “show me an argument in favor of Prop 8 that doesn’t start with “because the Bible tells me so” or “because that’s the way it’s always been” and I’ll listen””.   I so screwed up that quote sequence.  Anyway he’s right.  Because it’s the same arguments that were used by the same racists and bigots against the negroes in the 60’s.  And we know what bullshit that was.  One of my friends told me that her father shut down the race argument at the family dinner table by simply stating that it didn’t matter what color we were on the outside, “we all bleed red”.  I love that.

I reject the Mormon church and the Kings of Columbus who drove this hateful legislation.  The “God” of which they speak is not my God.  My God is love.  My God taught me that judgement belongs to  him, not me.  My God taught me that his son washed the prostitute’s feet with his hair.  My God loves each and every one of us.  But I am not arrogant as to shove my God down your throat.  Your God might be different.  And that’s fine.  As long as you don’t shove him down my throat.  Or make children worship him in school.  Or oppress others due to your religious beliefs.  If you do that, you’re not much different than the Taliban.